nite.lights

Hurricane, Lakeside Amusement Park

After considerable thought, I am still not sure what the function of this stand is in its current state. To be honest, I am still not sure if there even ever was a “Hurricane” ride. There are no signs of an actual ride existing - other than this stand, of course. And given that each letter of the sign on this stand is burned out, my doubts seem completely warranted. If there was, in fact, once a “Hurricane” ride, and it was taken down due to public health concerns or budget cuts or probably public health concerns, actually, why does its stand still exist? 

Here’s what I imagine to have happened:

Lakeside Ride Planner: We don’t have the Hurricane anymore. We don’t need that stand or sign anymore.

Lakeside Beautification Coordinator: Sure. You’re right. We don’t need it. People hate neon lights and pretty, old ticket stands.

LRR: You don’t have to be sarcastic and passive aggressive. Functionally, the stand holds no purpose.

LBC: Functionally, you’re an asshole.

LRR: Great. I’m going to turn off the sign to save energy but leave the stand and the other lights. Make sure to lock up when you leave.

LBC: I’ll lock up when your mom leaves.

LRR: (Already gone.)

LBC: *Weeps*

…

Ultimately, whatever the reason, I’m glad the stand remains.

Side-bar: I used to think that it was really cool that a hurricane was named after me. For a while, I considered using “Hurricane Andrew” as my boxing or rap moniker but abandoned the name when neither or those career paths panned out. As I’ve grown though, I have reevaluated how cool having a hurricane named after you actually is. I am almost positive that people named “Katrina” or “9/11” are not reviling in the fact that they share their name with tragedy.

Dragon, Lakeside Amusement Park

While driving to Lakeside, I was reminded of one of those defining moments you have as a child - a moment that either scars or sculpts you into the human that you are. This moment did both. Right across the street from the Park, there is another park and another lake. Running parallel to the street, and just inside the other park, used to be a soccer field. A small, small soccer field. One weekday night in my adolescent days, I played a soccer game at this field. At this game was the usual group of parents and younger siblings with no other choice but to come (any sibling above the legal driving age was not there. Why would the be? They were driving. Probably. I wasn’t of legal driving age at the time, so I don’t know where the older kids would go. Maybe to Sonic or some bowling alley.) Also in attendance was a group of boys my age, or just above, from our family’s church who had decided to come watch me play. A gesture of support, I suppose.

The game itself isn’t memorable; what happened after the game, is.

My coach, an adult by age, decided that he didn’t like the way that the game had been refereed and was going to let the referee know about it. And he let the referee know about it by throwing his fold up chair at him and repeatedly screaming “asinine” and progressively getting less coherent or PG.

The referee just stood there and took the abuse.

My coach was not a small man either. Now, he was not in shape by any means, but if he got going, it would be like one of those bad guys wearing football gear in Super Mario running at you.  The only thing I remember the referee saying is, “Calm down, sir. You’re going to have a heart attack.” To which my coach cunningly replied, “I hope I do!”

Bangarang, coach.

Mostly, I remember seeing a the faces of those kids who came to watch me play as they watched my coach break every lesson McGee had ever taught us.

Years later we found out that my coach had been molesting some of kids on the team and is currently serving time in the state penitentiary.

The wrath of the Dragon.

Starship 2000, Lakeside Amusement Park

You know how the Stanley Hotel inspired Stephen King to write “The Shining?” Well, Lakeside Amusement Park was the Stanley Hotel to the creator/writer of Scooby Doo. {citation needed}

Walking around to the frenzied, seizure-inducing circus organ makes a stroll through the park a ride in-and-of itself. In fairness, for the purposes of this blog, most of the neon signs that marked every ready-to-break ride were surprisingly well intact and completely functional. Additionally, though I feared for my life even walking near the rides, no ride-malfunction-related deaths were witnessed during my visit.

The Starship 2000 simply makes people wish they were dead.

When approaching the ride to take this pictures, I caught myself just in time before almost stepping into someone’s vomit - an unexpected, yet apparent, risk of entering the Starship 2000 and traveling through time.

“Wow, man. You’re blowing my mind with this space travel. Op. Now I’m blowing chunks.”

It truly is a viscous cycle.

The obvious reference here is Sandlot so I’ll make it: ”The Big Chief! The best!”

Equally contributing to your inability to keep a churro down, the sign would strobe on and off, then pulsate the different letters. I caught it on half of the “S” and the “R” and hurled up a funnel cake. (Proverbially.)

Overall, would recommend.

3S Liquors, Arvada, CO

Another staple in the King Soopers strip mall, 3S Liquors, features a grumpy, old man that looks like the Prospector from Toy Story 2, and, best of all, a line-up of security pictures taken of past perpetrators of 3S, displayed on the door. This local “Most Wanted” list also asks patrons or passer-byers to contribute to the hunt by identifying and labeling perps that they may recognize. Unfortunately, people have taken this system lightly and have listed multiple names for each person. “Jared. Thomas. Samuel.” People, that helps nothing. One person just wrote down a nickname: “Short-Change Artist.” I suppose it is possible that there is a notorious Arvada criminal that goes by that name, but more likely, someone walking by failed to understand how severe the situation at 3S is, opting to attempt a “joke” rather than their civil duty.

Seriously though, all that these pictures accomplish is making me want to steal something, get on the board and see what nicknames people give me.

I’m hoping for “Colonel Klepto” or something in that vein.

Accents For Her, Arvada, CO

Once, this strip mall was booming with small businesses ranging from a cobbler to used book store to a pet store to a video game store to, of course, Accents For Her. And I had a friend who worked at every one of them at one time or another. He made pizzas. He pushed carts. He sold video games. I never quite understood it. He must have really liked that strip mall.

As far as Accents For Her goes, on several occasions, I have gone in, leading the employees to believe that I am searching for a gift for my mother. I then inquire about the most ridiculous head-pieces and broches, always opting to pass because “I think she already has this one.” Leaving, I make a remark about a sale at Dress Barn, just to keep them on their toes. I cannot even imagine what would happen if AFH went under. Truthfully, I do not want to think about it further.

Washington Mutual, Arvada, CO

I used to bank at this location at the King Soopers shopping mall on 80th, and I grew quite fond of it. It was my first. There were Gameboys set up in the corner and always free coffee -though I always opted for the water- and cookies.  Then, as we all know, shit hit the economy’s fan and wamu was an unfortunate victim. One afternoon, I received a call asking me to answer a series of questions relating to this location’s performance and my overall satisfaction. I proceeded to speak with the gentleman for half an hour about how great the location is, giving only the highest marks of praise. You see, I was aware that this phone call held a higher significance than mere customer satisfaction — they were trying to decide which locations to keep around and which to dispose of. Unfortunately, my efforts proved to be futile. Yet they still light the sign.

Well, at least “hington.”